As I sit in my living room fighting off a panic attack I am wondering why I am going to have an attack. Today has been a normal day nothing out of the ordinary, so why is this happening to me? Unless you have ever had a panic attack it is hard to explain the experience. The closest thing I can relate it to is a heart attack, which sometimes it feels like I am having one. You feel like you cannot catch your breath, I feel kind of light headed, my arms are tingling, palms are sweating, I have a dry mouth and my heart is pounding and I am having heart palpitations. I had had this feeling for the past 2 hours and it is getting more intense so I decided to try a different approach and write about it while it is happening. I remember my very first panic attack, (I talked a little bit about it in my scared to death blog) I was 14 and it was after my cousin Devin passed away unexpectedly, we were in a hallway waiting to go home and I remember feeling like I was going to stop breathing and die right there in the hospital. Just about everyday I had these episodes, so I told my mom that I was having chest pains and of course she made an appointment for me because Devin just died from heart failure. So I went through a series of stress tests and was hooked up to a heart monitor and they came to the conclusion that I have a Prolapsed valve meaning that one of my heart valves does not work correctly and the blood get back washed and that causes all of these symptoms. So they put me on medication and it seemed to work for a while but these episodes kept on happening. Luckily this heart condition it not threatening so that was a relief, but I felt like I was going to die every time I would have an episode. So I learned to deal with this problem the best I knew how, which was hard to do since they would happen unexpectedly and there was nothing I could do. I remember sitting is class and I would start having the feeling that I couldn't breathe and I would start to panic because I didn't want anyone to know what was happening to me. I always felt like everyone was looking at me so I would look around and nobody had any idea what was going on, I felt so alone and scared. But how do you tell someone that you feel like your going to die, they probably would have thought I was nuts. My mom tried everything she could like of she found this book that was created to take your mind of off your issues and I would color these shapes for hours and it seemed to help but they just kept coming and coming. I would have these attacks all the time, it did not matter where I was or what I was doing so I just figured it was my heart condition. When I finally hit my 20's it subsided a little but I would still on occasion have one and it would pass and I would just carry on like always. When Jess and I moved back home from California we lived in an apartment in Connersville and they started up again and this time with a vengeance, I remember sitting on the steps and not being able to move and Jesse looking at me like like I had 2 heads. I couldn't explain what I was feeling to him and it was frustrating because I thought he thought that I was making this up, hell I thought I was going crazy and I couldn't get a handle on this. I went to see my family Dr and I was explaining my symptoms and he came to the conclusion that I was having panic attacks or the technical term is Panic Disorder. Finally! It had a name and I was not going crazy I felt like I had a weight lifted off of my shoulders because I could finally deal with this and I was happy to have someone give me an answer. The reason it took so long is because my heart condition and panic attacks have the same symptoms so they just assumed it was my heart. So I started medication to get a handle on this and it took a good year for me to get them under control.
After we got married we moved to a house that we rented with my sister and I started a new job at MEG, I started in Nov of 1999 and I had to work with this woman who was just awful to work with. I went home crying everyday and hated going to work except for the 2 friends that I had to get me through the day, I cannot tell you how many times they say me crying. It got so bad that I would have 2 panic attacks on my way to work and 1 on my way home, it was bad because when you have one just one of these they are exhausting and I would be wiped out by the time I got home. I only had that job for a year and then they laid me off but it was a blessing because then I got this cream job and I loved it. I really didn't have any issues for a while when I started my new job and I was grateful, but once in a while one would creep up on me. I was at American General for 4 1/2 years then we decided that I should stay home and be with my kids which is what I wanted to do anyway. I really didn't have to many issues for a while and I was maybe having 1 attack a year which from going to 1 or more a day to one a year was great, I felt relieved. After Brody was born is when I started to feel bad again and so I just went on my medication again and it held them at bay. Until this year I had a lot happen in a short span of time, My Grandmother was diagnosed with Non Hotchkins Lymphoma and was going through treatments she was in remission until this May. While all of this was going on I also had another person to worry about and he was going to be moving in with my Grandparents(which I will go into in another blog). My Bio dad who I call Jeff was getting out of prison and I have not had any contact with him since 1997 so I was stressed out about that because how was I going to see my ailing grandmother without seeing him. So that old feeling started coming back I was not prepared to handle what was coming. Unfortunately my Grandma passed away in May and that started my panic attacks all over again. So since June of this year I have been dealing with a lot of feelings that I have not had in 21 years and it was not going well. I finally broke down and went to the Dr and he determined that my body was shutting down and it was becoming dangerous and I needed to get a handle on it or the result was going to be bad. Apparently from doing 2 IVF cycles and having 2 children in 3 years did a number on my body and it is not handling it well. So I went on a regime of pills and I am still struggling with my body not producing any hormones or my adrenal glands not producing cortisol I hope that eventually my body with jump start itself and I can get over this hurdle. So I am still sitting here after an hour after I started this blog and I am feeling a little better, my feeling of doom has passed and even though I feel very tired from fighting this panic attack I am grateful that was able to divert it. I know that my blogs are kind of long but I cannot do anything short because I don't do things small. ever! So for those of you that understand what panic attacks are I hope that somehow you can find a way to get to the other side, and when and if you do can you please let me know so I can too:) Thanks to all who read these I am grateful.
