Lucy and Ethel

I have this image in my head of the kind of friendships I want to have.  I want people in my life that will never judge me, don't lie , always laugh when I do something silly or crazy and can be there when I need them for anything.  I had a hard time making friends growing up because we moved every year and I would have to go to a new school and try to "fit" in.  It was always hard because most of the kids had been together since the first day of kindergarten.  I did not like going into a  new class and not knowing a single person, I really found this difficult in the 3rd grade.  I went to a local school and although I do not remember most of the kids I do remember not wanting to be there.  We stayed in the same school for my 4th grade year and it only got worse from there, I do remember talking to other kids but I never made that connection with anyone in my class.  I did however have a friend that I spent time with after school, but again we moved to Liberty and I had to start all over again.  I started the 5th grade and I remember having that same feeling that I was the outcast and everyone knew everyone else.  So I struggled with school and with making new friends, unfortunately I was held back in the 5th grade so it was like starting over again.  Now my second year of the 5th grade was a little better but not by much, I do remember having a few friends but I always had the feeling like I did not fit in.  I remember when these two boys "who will remain nameless" who came to our class after school had started and I jumped all over that because I was no longer the new kid.  I befriended one of the kids and we were friends until we graduated High School, although I do still see him we have our own lives and we do not stay in touch like we used to.  Things were kind of a blur from the 6th grade until 10th grade, when I tried out for the Drill Team, that is when things changed for me.  I met my great friend Laura we became good friends and spent a lot of time together, especially since we practiced quite a bit with the Marching band but we also hung out.  She even went on a summer vacation with us to Florida and I was so excited because I had never been before and we had the best time.  That was one of my favorite vacations that I took and I will always remember it.  But when she graduated we kind of lost touch and life got in the way and I moved around a lot after I graduated.  Years went by when I would see her once in a great while and we would talk and tell each other that we would call, but like I said life gets in the way sometimes.  Since then I did not have another friend that understood who I was and never judged me.  I have friends that would come and go and I have always tried to find that connection but it would always fizzle.  I am not saying that the friends that I do have are not worthy of my friendship, I love them dearly but I always need more out of someone not just a person in my life.  I wanted someone who I can go shopping with and laugh with, or cry in front of and they won't make me feel any less of a person.  I was searching for someone to tell things that I have never said to anyone and vise versa.  I guess I just have always had this dream of having friends that would come over and we would play cards or go to the movies with and eat and laugh together.  Not just once in a while but often and we enjoy being together and our husbands would become really good friends and we would grow old doing things together.  I know this must sound strange but I want friends like Lucy and Ethel , I know they are not "real" friends but that is what I want.   I have thank Facebook because it has brought me back to some of those people that were lost to me for a long time.  I actually reconnected with Laura and I have enjoyed having her back in my life, she always knows the right thing to say.  It is like we were never apart and we just started where we left off, except for the fact that we are older and are now raising kids.I love being able to call her if I need someone to talk to,  Sometimes when we are just talking I feel like a teenager again and it makes me happy.  I am happy to have my other girls in my life , Sherry who I have really come to care for so very much.  I like the fact that I have finally surrounded myself with people who really truly care about how I am feeling and are concerned when they do not hear from me in a while.  I just hope that I am giving them the same kind of friendship that they are showing me.  So when I say I love Lucy you will know what I am really talking about.  Thanks to all of my friends. I am so thankful  for all of you:)

My journey to Motherhood

Ever since I was a little girl I wanted to be a mother, I remember being at my Grandma's house and pretending to do laundry and hanging close on her close line.  I have a lot of memories doing things like that.  I also remember being in school and being asked what I wanted to be.  I never had a answer because I never really had a dream to be anything but mother, so they never got an answer out of me.  While all of my classmates were doing their tests for college ( which we didn't have the money to do anyway) I just never had any ideas of what I wanted for a "career".  When I was in High school I had my first serious boyfriend (no names)  and I thought for sure that he and I were going to grow old together and have a bunch of kids.  Well it didn't happened and he and I went our separate ways.  So I continued to look for someone to be that person in my life that would take me as I am and trust me it is no easy task.  When I finally found the person who I was going to marry and spend the rest of my life with it was clear to me the first thing we were going go do and that was to start a family, I was so excited!  Well Jess and I got married in 1999 and I was ready!  But my body was not, all through my teen years and my 20's I always had pain in what I thought was my stomach area.  Well come to find out I have aggressive endometriosis and was told that I would never be able to get pregnant.  I was devastated!  Not only did I have to have this painful surgery to burn it out of my body not I am dealing with the not being able to have babies.  So I did what I always do I find a way to get what I want and boy did I. LOL!  The first thing of course was a private adoption, well that is very expensive and we of course have no money for that. So Jess and I decided to try fostering a child, and I was so excited because I wanted a baby so bad I didn't care how we got one.  After all of our training we started the waiting game (remember Walmart)  and we finally got Brandon.  We was not an infant but he was mine and who cares if I didn't get a baby I got Brandon!  I thought that having Brandon would ease the feeling of wanting to carry and birth my own child.  Well it held off for a few years and then when I hit my 30's it hit me hard and all I could ever think about was having a baby, it drove me nuts.  So far we had been married for about 5 years now and I just could not shake the feeling like this was something I had to do.  Ever since we got married and found out that I was the issue, I went from Dr. to Dr. trying to find a way to have a child.  I went through so many procedures and tests and let me tell you it was not only painful but heartbreaking.  Every time someone would tell me that they were pregnant I would feel resentment because I could not do the one thing I wanted and I was frustrated.  I couldn't handle going to baby showers or hearing someone talk about their pregnancies.  Now I do have a friend that has a son the same age as Brandon and I remember her letting me feel her belly when the baby would move.  She probably wouldn't remember it but it meant so much to me and I will always remember that. When she had him I was at the hospital and I got to hold him while he was still just a few minutes old and I got to put him on the scale to be weighed, and he was a big baby too and we all could not believe that, that baby came out of her because she is so small. That was a wonderful thing to be able to be there and be a part of that experience.  I really need to go see her as I sit here and write this.  I never felt resentment toward her but I was so envious.  She did have a third child and I remember going to the hospital and waiting for her to have him and I stayed in the room until they had to kick me out for her to have him.  And again I was so grateful to be able to be a part of something so wonderful. So we are now at the point that we have been fostering for a few years and it is getting to the point where I we are just taking children in and they are leaving, and it was getting very frustrating.  In 2005 I decided to stop working because we have 5 children and it was getting hard to work 40 hours and find child care for all of these kids plus it was expensive as hell.  Well staying home with the kids was something I had always wanted to do anyway and Jess told me to go for it so I did.  At the time we had a sibling group of 3 that are wonderful kids and we had no idea where it was going to go so I decided to take drastic measures and I found a Dr that I heard was really good , but unfortunately he does not do that kind of work anymore and sent me to Cincinnati to a reproductive specialist.  Jess and I went and we got all for info and we were kind of bummed because it was going to be expensive and we still didn't have a lot of money to play with.  But the money gods were looking out for me that year and in January of 2006 we got a good tax return and of course that was my baby fund!  If you have ever been through a procedure that involves your :lady parts"  it is going to hurt like hell and let me tell you it hurt like hell.  I went went through a intensive regimen of hormones and it was awful, they make you mean and it was not fun for anyone.  Finally in March of 06 I my ovaries where finally doing what they are supposed to do naturally they produced eggs!  I was so scared, excited. nervous, and cranky I didn't know what to do.  So we went in and have them removed which I will not go into detail because for one it is personal and second you  do not want to know how they get those eggs out.  Lets just say it involves a really LONG needle and lots of drugs:)  But the excitement was short lived because I my ovaries didn't produce as many eggs as they would like so I only had 6 eggs make it out OK.  So the odds where against again.  But I was hopeful and they put them in a dish and nature took it's course the modern way.  I was told a few days later that only 4 became fertilized and the were only going to transplant 2 which meant my odds where less than 50%.  When we got to the hospital to do the implant the eggs they give you Valium to take and I was not too nervous because I was feeling pretty darn good, which makes things a lot easier and funny because how many people can say that you babies were conceived in a dish?  So they put in 2 eggs in and while they are doing this you are watching it on the screen and it is cool because I could see my eggs go into my body.  How cool is that?! Plus I had 2 extra eggs that they froze for future use. Now that the hard part was over or so I thought, we had nothing to do but wait.  Now what I didn't explain was that at this point I had over 30 shots ,what I didn't realize was that I was going to have to do 12 weeks of progesterone shots  everyday with a 2 inch needle and the whole thing had to go into my hip.  Let me say it hurt like the dickens and it was not exciting for the person giving them to me either, because there was no way in hell I was going to stick myself with that big ass needle.  Now I waited 2 whole weeks to find out if this had worked, and it was the longest 2 weeks of my life.  I went the the Dr for the test and I had Brandon and Kaylee with me and I was so nervous and I didn't know how to handle everything so I just went in with the thought that this was not going to work.  As I was in the office I had peed in my cup and I was waiting for the results and the nurses where curious about Foster Parenting and I was explaining to them how it worked and another nurse walks up to us and says it positive.  They were all clapping and happy and I was just standing there looking like a idiot because I know she was not talking to me.  They all again said Michelle it positive and I just started to cry uncontrollably and poor Brandon and Kaylee were looking at me like I was nuts..  I have never been so happy and  scared in my whole life, so I immediately thought of Jess who could not come with me because of work and my stupid phone was not working.  So I had to wait until I got into the car and I couldn't even dial the phone because my hands where shaking so bad, I finally got him on the phone and I do not remember anything I said to him I just remember crying.  I called everyone I knew and by time I got home everyone in my phone knew that I was pregnant.Well I had an easy pregnancy which was awesome and on Dec. 9th 2006 I gave birth to a 8lb. 4.6 oz baby boy!  I will never forget the feeling I had seeing this baby come out of my body, I cannot explain it or put into words, but it was the second most powerful moment of my life and I am blessed to ever have gone through it. Dawson has been a a difficult child which does not surprise me because he is the spawn of Jess and I both, but I love him so much and I wouldn't change him for anything.  After Dawson I thought that the feeling of having children would go away. Boy was I wrong!.  Remember I have 2 eggs on ice and I had to be reminded of it every month when I had to make payments on the embryo bank.  After 2 years of paying on these  to get that feeling again that I wanted to have another baby.  So Jess and I figured that are chances were pretty slim because I only had 2 eggs left and because usually only 1 out of 3  survive the thaw, so again the odds were against us again. They both came out of the thaw which was amazing so again I went through the whole process of doing the shots which this time was not so bad because I had already gone through it, but still not an easy thing to go through. So once again we waited for 2 weeks and again I was pregnant and I was over the moon, because I knew that my shot of having another child were slim to none.  And again another easy pregnancy which I was grateful for and on Sept. 2.nd 2009 I gave birth to another 8 lb. 7 oz baby boy.  He was a week over due but it was easy and I would do it again.  Brody is my sweet baby and is so looks so much like my sister it is kind of freaky, but I do not love him any less.  The cool thing is , is that one day I am going to be able to tell them how they came into this world and I hope that they think it is awesome how they came into this world.  Another thought that Jess and I had is that Brody and Dawson are twins just born 3 years apart.  When we think of that it is really awesome:)
       I didn't give birth to Brandon and Tyler but it was not any easier going through their journeys.  This was not easy but nothing in my like has ever come easy, but then  I think of the end result and I would not change anything about my journey to become a mother. 

I got what at Walmart!

As many of you know Jesse and I were Foster Parents before we became parents. It is one of most difficult experiences we have ever gone through and our hard work paid off in the end.  Lets go back to 1999 when Jess and I got married and I of course wanted to start a family pronto, but of course things did not go as planned.  I was told that I would never be able to have children and I was devastated.  So I did what I always do when I want something I wanted to adopt, and the cheapest way to do that was through the Foster system.  We started off going through the classes and everything else that is involved with Fostering.  It took us about 6 months to get our license and we just waited and waited.  In January of 2001 we got our first placement they were 2 little boys which to this day I miss them and think of them all the time.  We were told that they were not going to go home and of course I was in love with them from the start.  Well long story short they went home in about 5 months, I was so upset I cried for days and felt empty.  But I had to pull myself up by my bootstraps and wait for the next placement, and we waited and waited.  Finally I get a call about a 12 month old little boy named Brandon and of course I jumped all over this case. So I went and met him a few times at the Foster home so he could get used to my face.  We were told that he would be moved in about a month or so due to paper work and that the foster parents were going on vacation. I so excited because it is rare to get a child under the age of 2 and me wanting a baby this was close enough for me.  So we waited for the time to pass and tried to get ready for our new placement which seemed to take FOREVER.  Brandon went to his bio grandparents house because the Foster parents went on vacation and Brandon  had to stay behind due to his visitation schedule with his bio parent.  I was shopping with my mom and our friend Linda trying to get things ready knowing that I had a week to go.  We ended up at Walmart and we got the things we needed and we were walking out of the store and as we were walking out we see my case worker standing in front of the exit doors.  She is holding Brandon and right away I am confused because he is supposed to be at his Grandparents house.  She explains to me that the grandparents do not want to keep him and told her to come pick him up.  Now remember my mom is with me and she is crying and Linda is crying I am still wondering how in the world can someone not want this blue eyed baby!  So I get home and luckily I have a crib and everything I need so here I have a 13 month old child.  It amazes me how one minute you are alone and the next I had this beautiful child that depended on me.  It is so surreal and I still cannot believe that he was sleeping in this crib.  Jesse gets home and goes straight upstairs because he cannot believe it either.  I remember what he said and it was o my god he is so little!  Brandon is now 9 and loves to here this story, and I love to tell him how he came to us.  It is amazing what you can get at Walmart:)

Scared to death

OK this is my first real blog posting so bare with me and I work this all out.As I go along with my posts I will probably be all over the place but I am just writing as I feel I need to. My first post is going to be about something that I have struggled with since I was 14.  Before the age of 14 I was a very sheltered and not afraid of to many things my sister and I would hang out and play with our barbies literally all day while my mom worked.  We would often find ourselves home alone which back then was not a big deal, it was the way it was.  My mother worked long hours and my bio dad would often leave and not come home all day so we had to take care of ourselves. Luckily my mom did raise us to know how to be independent ,so we were ready to do just that.  Now I can say we were very good girls if we were told not to go outside we staying inside we always listened to what we were told.  Now the summer of 1990 was the summer that our carefree lives disappeared and were forever changed.  My cousin who was 10 at the time Brandie was 11 and I of course of the oldest  were inseparable where you seen 1 you saw 3 because we were always together.  My cousin was 4 years younger but that did not matter, we always had fun.  On June 3 1990 we just finished school for the year and Summer was on it's way, so we decided to go to the beach which conveniently is across the street so we would just walk over.  My bio dad left that day and was supposed to be home watching us but as usual he always had better things to do.  So we went and we were having a great time eating snow cones and enjoying the day.  Devin and Brandie were running around and I was sitting down on our towels and Devin comes up to me and says her stomach was hurting so I tell her to sit down and instead she lays down on her stomach which did not make since to me.  I remember that I had this feeling of urgency I have no idea why but I told Brandie to go get the life guard, while this was going on Devin gets up and collapses I try to catch her but she falls to the ground.  The next thing I remember is the sound of whistles and people running and Brandie and I were just standing there not knowing what to do.  I remember Brandie asking me if she was going to die and of course I day NO and I hear Devin sit up and says Shelly (which is my nickname)and she went back down.  I also remember them doing CPR at the time I Had no idea what that was so I did not know what they were doing.  Next they had me call my mom which I had no idea the number because she had just started working there and I have no idea what I said to her , because the next thing I knew Devin was in the ambulance and Brandie and I were standing in the parking lot waiting for my mom to get us.  Finally she came and we drove to Connersville of course we had no idea where the hospital was so we had to stop and ask the State police to take us and they did thank goodness.  I hardly remember being in the hospital, I do remember going to the bathroom and hearing my Aunt scream a scream I had never heard before.  I realized when I opened the door and my mom grabbing me and telling me Devin is dead.  Now remember I had never experienced anything like this and I was not sure how to handle what I was feeling I just remember my mom ,my sister, Grandparents, Uncles and Aunt crying and I could not believe what was going on.  That day forever changed me, I have never really dealt with the fact that she is gone and I can talk about it like it was an everyday event with no emotion at all.  I do remember waiting to go home and this overwhelming feeling came over me, I felt like I could not breath and I thought I was going to die to this day I remember what I was feeling and I was truly scared that I was next.  The next few days were a blur I do remember not wanting to go to the casket and everyone  forcing me to go, I did not want to see a Devin in that casket and to this day is haunts me.  So fast forward 21 years I am now 35 years old and still having that paralyzing fear of dying.  I am so terrified of dying that I actually freeze with fear.  I will lay in bed and stare at one of my kids and cry because I know one day I will be gone and I will not be able to hold or see them.  Now I have never told anyone this except for my Therapist god bless him (he has is work cut out for him) not even my husband knows about this because how do I explain this?  I have no idea how to get past the feeling to of despair and feeling so afraid, I do not want to be in my 80's and still terrified of dying and waisting my life worrying about not being with my children forever. I have disconnected my self from feeling the pain of losing Devin that I have no idea how to feel anything, not even happiness.  I have  learned to hide my feelings and from the pain and now I have a hard time enjoying the simple things in my life.  When I see other mothers smiling at their babies and seeing the affection in their eyes it kills me that I do not know how to do that.  I get so frustrated because I love my kids but I cannot seem to get out of this hole I am in.  I want to be happy and I want to be what I consider "normal" but how do you ever come out of something like that and be "normal"?