Lucy and Ethel

I have this image in my head of the kind of friendships I want to have.  I want people in my life that will never judge me, don't lie , always laugh when I do something silly or crazy and can be there when I need them for anything.  I had a hard time making friends growing up because we moved every year and I would have to go to a new school and try to "fit" in.  It was always hard because most of the kids had been together since the first day of kindergarten.  I did not like going into a  new class and not knowing a single person, I really found this difficult in the 3rd grade.  I went to a local school and although I do not remember most of the kids I do remember not wanting to be there.  We stayed in the same school for my 4th grade year and it only got worse from there, I do remember talking to other kids but I never made that connection with anyone in my class.  I did however have a friend that I spent time with after school, but again we moved to Liberty and I had to start all over again.  I started the 5th grade and I remember having that same feeling that I was the outcast and everyone knew everyone else.  So I struggled with school and with making new friends, unfortunately I was held back in the 5th grade so it was like starting over again.  Now my second year of the 5th grade was a little better but not by much, I do remember having a few friends but I always had the feeling like I did not fit in.  I remember when these two boys "who will remain nameless" who came to our class after school had started and I jumped all over that because I was no longer the new kid.  I befriended one of the kids and we were friends until we graduated High School, although I do still see him we have our own lives and we do not stay in touch like we used to.  Things were kind of a blur from the 6th grade until 10th grade, when I tried out for the Drill Team, that is when things changed for me.  I met my great friend Laura we became good friends and spent a lot of time together, especially since we practiced quite a bit with the Marching band but we also hung out.  She even went on a summer vacation with us to Florida and I was so excited because I had never been before and we had the best time.  That was one of my favorite vacations that I took and I will always remember it.  But when she graduated we kind of lost touch and life got in the way and I moved around a lot after I graduated.  Years went by when I would see her once in a great while and we would talk and tell each other that we would call, but like I said life gets in the way sometimes.  Since then I did not have another friend that understood who I was and never judged me.  I have friends that would come and go and I have always tried to find that connection but it would always fizzle.  I am not saying that the friends that I do have are not worthy of my friendship, I love them dearly but I always need more out of someone not just a person in my life.  I wanted someone who I can go shopping with and laugh with, or cry in front of and they won't make me feel any less of a person.  I was searching for someone to tell things that I have never said to anyone and vise versa.  I guess I just have always had this dream of having friends that would come over and we would play cards or go to the movies with and eat and laugh together.  Not just once in a while but often and we enjoy being together and our husbands would become really good friends and we would grow old doing things together.  I know this must sound strange but I want friends like Lucy and Ethel , I know they are not "real" friends but that is what I want.   I have thank Facebook because it has brought me back to some of those people that were lost to me for a long time.  I actually reconnected with Laura and I have enjoyed having her back in my life, she always knows the right thing to say.  It is like we were never apart and we just started where we left off, except for the fact that we are older and are now raising kids.I love being able to call her if I need someone to talk to,  Sometimes when we are just talking I feel like a teenager again and it makes me happy.  I am happy to have my other girls in my life , Sherry who I have really come to care for so very much.  I like the fact that I have finally surrounded myself with people who really truly care about how I am feeling and are concerned when they do not hear from me in a while.  I just hope that I am giving them the same kind of friendship that they are showing me.  So when I say I love Lucy you will know what I am really talking about.  Thanks to all of my friends. I am so thankful  for all of you:)

My journey to Motherhood

Ever since I was a little girl I wanted to be a mother, I remember being at my Grandma's house and pretending to do laundry and hanging close on her close line.  I have a lot of memories doing things like that.  I also remember being in school and being asked what I wanted to be.  I never had a answer because I never really had a dream to be anything but mother, so they never got an answer out of me.  While all of my classmates were doing their tests for college ( which we didn't have the money to do anyway) I just never had any ideas of what I wanted for a "career".  When I was in High school I had my first serious boyfriend (no names)  and I thought for sure that he and I were going to grow old together and have a bunch of kids.  Well it didn't happened and he and I went our separate ways.  So I continued to look for someone to be that person in my life that would take me as I am and trust me it is no easy task.  When I finally found the person who I was going to marry and spend the rest of my life with it was clear to me the first thing we were going go do and that was to start a family, I was so excited!  Well Jess and I got married in 1999 and I was ready!  But my body was not, all through my teen years and my 20's I always had pain in what I thought was my stomach area.  Well come to find out I have aggressive endometriosis and was told that I would never be able to get pregnant.  I was devastated!  Not only did I have to have this painful surgery to burn it out of my body not I am dealing with the not being able to have babies.  So I did what I always do I find a way to get what I want and boy did I. LOL!  The first thing of course was a private adoption, well that is very expensive and we of course have no money for that. So Jess and I decided to try fostering a child, and I was so excited because I wanted a baby so bad I didn't care how we got one.  After all of our training we started the waiting game (remember Walmart)  and we finally got Brandon.  We was not an infant but he was mine and who cares if I didn't get a baby I got Brandon!  I thought that having Brandon would ease the feeling of wanting to carry and birth my own child.  Well it held off for a few years and then when I hit my 30's it hit me hard and all I could ever think about was having a baby, it drove me nuts.  So far we had been married for about 5 years now and I just could not shake the feeling like this was something I had to do.  Ever since we got married and found out that I was the issue, I went from Dr. to Dr. trying to find a way to have a child.  I went through so many procedures and tests and let me tell you it was not only painful but heartbreaking.  Every time someone would tell me that they were pregnant I would feel resentment because I could not do the one thing I wanted and I was frustrated.  I couldn't handle going to baby showers or hearing someone talk about their pregnancies.  Now I do have a friend that has a son the same age as Brandon and I remember her letting me feel her belly when the baby would move.  She probably wouldn't remember it but it meant so much to me and I will always remember that. When she had him I was at the hospital and I got to hold him while he was still just a few minutes old and I got to put him on the scale to be weighed, and he was a big baby too and we all could not believe that, that baby came out of her because she is so small. That was a wonderful thing to be able to be there and be a part of that experience.  I really need to go see her as I sit here and write this.  I never felt resentment toward her but I was so envious.  She did have a third child and I remember going to the hospital and waiting for her to have him and I stayed in the room until they had to kick me out for her to have him.  And again I was so grateful to be able to be a part of something so wonderful. So we are now at the point that we have been fostering for a few years and it is getting to the point where I we are just taking children in and they are leaving, and it was getting very frustrating.  In 2005 I decided to stop working because we have 5 children and it was getting hard to work 40 hours and find child care for all of these kids plus it was expensive as hell.  Well staying home with the kids was something I had always wanted to do anyway and Jess told me to go for it so I did.  At the time we had a sibling group of 3 that are wonderful kids and we had no idea where it was going to go so I decided to take drastic measures and I found a Dr that I heard was really good , but unfortunately he does not do that kind of work anymore and sent me to Cincinnati to a reproductive specialist.  Jess and I went and we got all for info and we were kind of bummed because it was going to be expensive and we still didn't have a lot of money to play with.  But the money gods were looking out for me that year and in January of 2006 we got a good tax return and of course that was my baby fund!  If you have ever been through a procedure that involves your :lady parts"  it is going to hurt like hell and let me tell you it hurt like hell.  I went went through a intensive regimen of hormones and it was awful, they make you mean and it was not fun for anyone.  Finally in March of 06 I my ovaries where finally doing what they are supposed to do naturally they produced eggs!  I was so scared, excited. nervous, and cranky I didn't know what to do.  So we went in and have them removed which I will not go into detail because for one it is personal and second you  do not want to know how they get those eggs out.  Lets just say it involves a really LONG needle and lots of drugs:)  But the excitement was short lived because I my ovaries didn't produce as many eggs as they would like so I only had 6 eggs make it out OK.  So the odds where against again.  But I was hopeful and they put them in a dish and nature took it's course the modern way.  I was told a few days later that only 4 became fertilized and the were only going to transplant 2 which meant my odds where less than 50%.  When we got to the hospital to do the implant the eggs they give you Valium to take and I was not too nervous because I was feeling pretty darn good, which makes things a lot easier and funny because how many people can say that you babies were conceived in a dish?  So they put in 2 eggs in and while they are doing this you are watching it on the screen and it is cool because I could see my eggs go into my body.  How cool is that?! Plus I had 2 extra eggs that they froze for future use. Now that the hard part was over or so I thought, we had nothing to do but wait.  Now what I didn't explain was that at this point I had over 30 shots ,what I didn't realize was that I was going to have to do 12 weeks of progesterone shots  everyday with a 2 inch needle and the whole thing had to go into my hip.  Let me say it hurt like the dickens and it was not exciting for the person giving them to me either, because there was no way in hell I was going to stick myself with that big ass needle.  Now I waited 2 whole weeks to find out if this had worked, and it was the longest 2 weeks of my life.  I went the the Dr for the test and I had Brandon and Kaylee with me and I was so nervous and I didn't know how to handle everything so I just went in with the thought that this was not going to work.  As I was in the office I had peed in my cup and I was waiting for the results and the nurses where curious about Foster Parenting and I was explaining to them how it worked and another nurse walks up to us and says it positive.  They were all clapping and happy and I was just standing there looking like a idiot because I know she was not talking to me.  They all again said Michelle it positive and I just started to cry uncontrollably and poor Brandon and Kaylee were looking at me like I was nuts..  I have never been so happy and  scared in my whole life, so I immediately thought of Jess who could not come with me because of work and my stupid phone was not working.  So I had to wait until I got into the car and I couldn't even dial the phone because my hands where shaking so bad, I finally got him on the phone and I do not remember anything I said to him I just remember crying.  I called everyone I knew and by time I got home everyone in my phone knew that I was pregnant.Well I had an easy pregnancy which was awesome and on Dec. 9th 2006 I gave birth to a 8lb. 4.6 oz baby boy!  I will never forget the feeling I had seeing this baby come out of my body, I cannot explain it or put into words, but it was the second most powerful moment of my life and I am blessed to ever have gone through it. Dawson has been a a difficult child which does not surprise me because he is the spawn of Jess and I both, but I love him so much and I wouldn't change him for anything.  After Dawson I thought that the feeling of having children would go away. Boy was I wrong!.  Remember I have 2 eggs on ice and I had to be reminded of it every month when I had to make payments on the embryo bank.  After 2 years of paying on these  to get that feeling again that I wanted to have another baby.  So Jess and I figured that are chances were pretty slim because I only had 2 eggs left and because usually only 1 out of 3  survive the thaw, so again the odds were against us again. They both came out of the thaw which was amazing so again I went through the whole process of doing the shots which this time was not so bad because I had already gone through it, but still not an easy thing to go through. So once again we waited for 2 weeks and again I was pregnant and I was over the moon, because I knew that my shot of having another child were slim to none.  And again another easy pregnancy which I was grateful for and on Sept. 2.nd 2009 I gave birth to another 8 lb. 7 oz baby boy.  He was a week over due but it was easy and I would do it again.  Brody is my sweet baby and is so looks so much like my sister it is kind of freaky, but I do not love him any less.  The cool thing is , is that one day I am going to be able to tell them how they came into this world and I hope that they think it is awesome how they came into this world.  Another thought that Jess and I had is that Brody and Dawson are twins just born 3 years apart.  When we think of that it is really awesome:)
       I didn't give birth to Brandon and Tyler but it was not any easier going through their journeys.  This was not easy but nothing in my like has ever come easy, but then  I think of the end result and I would not change anything about my journey to become a mother.