Scared to death

OK this is my first real blog posting so bare with me and I work this all out.As I go along with my posts I will probably be all over the place but I am just writing as I feel I need to. My first post is going to be about something that I have struggled with since I was 14.  Before the age of 14 I was a very sheltered and not afraid of to many things my sister and I would hang out and play with our barbies literally all day while my mom worked.  We would often find ourselves home alone which back then was not a big deal, it was the way it was.  My mother worked long hours and my bio dad would often leave and not come home all day so we had to take care of ourselves. Luckily my mom did raise us to know how to be independent ,so we were ready to do just that.  Now I can say we were very good girls if we were told not to go outside we staying inside we always listened to what we were told.  Now the summer of 1990 was the summer that our carefree lives disappeared and were forever changed.  My cousin who was 10 at the time Brandie was 11 and I of course of the oldest  were inseparable where you seen 1 you saw 3 because we were always together.  My cousin was 4 years younger but that did not matter, we always had fun.  On June 3 1990 we just finished school for the year and Summer was on it's way, so we decided to go to the beach which conveniently is across the street so we would just walk over.  My bio dad left that day and was supposed to be home watching us but as usual he always had better things to do.  So we went and we were having a great time eating snow cones and enjoying the day.  Devin and Brandie were running around and I was sitting down on our towels and Devin comes up to me and says her stomach was hurting so I tell her to sit down and instead she lays down on her stomach which did not make since to me.  I remember that I had this feeling of urgency I have no idea why but I told Brandie to go get the life guard, while this was going on Devin gets up and collapses I try to catch her but she falls to the ground.  The next thing I remember is the sound of whistles and people running and Brandie and I were just standing there not knowing what to do.  I remember Brandie asking me if she was going to die and of course I day NO and I hear Devin sit up and says Shelly (which is my nickname)and she went back down.  I also remember them doing CPR at the time I Had no idea what that was so I did not know what they were doing.  Next they had me call my mom which I had no idea the number because she had just started working there and I have no idea what I said to her , because the next thing I knew Devin was in the ambulance and Brandie and I were standing in the parking lot waiting for my mom to get us.  Finally she came and we drove to Connersville of course we had no idea where the hospital was so we had to stop and ask the State police to take us and they did thank goodness.  I hardly remember being in the hospital, I do remember going to the bathroom and hearing my Aunt scream a scream I had never heard before.  I realized when I opened the door and my mom grabbing me and telling me Devin is dead.  Now remember I had never experienced anything like this and I was not sure how to handle what I was feeling I just remember my mom ,my sister, Grandparents, Uncles and Aunt crying and I could not believe what was going on.  That day forever changed me, I have never really dealt with the fact that she is gone and I can talk about it like it was an everyday event with no emotion at all.  I do remember waiting to go home and this overwhelming feeling came over me, I felt like I could not breath and I thought I was going to die to this day I remember what I was feeling and I was truly scared that I was next.  The next few days were a blur I do remember not wanting to go to the casket and everyone  forcing me to go, I did not want to see a Devin in that casket and to this day is haunts me.  So fast forward 21 years I am now 35 years old and still having that paralyzing fear of dying.  I am so terrified of dying that I actually freeze with fear.  I will lay in bed and stare at one of my kids and cry because I know one day I will be gone and I will not be able to hold or see them.  Now I have never told anyone this except for my Therapist god bless him (he has is work cut out for him) not even my husband knows about this because how do I explain this?  I have no idea how to get past the feeling to of despair and feeling so afraid, I do not want to be in my 80's and still terrified of dying and waisting my life worrying about not being with my children forever. I have disconnected my self from feeling the pain of losing Devin that I have no idea how to feel anything, not even happiness.  I have  learned to hide my feelings and from the pain and now I have a hard time enjoying the simple things in my life.  When I see other mothers smiling at their babies and seeing the affection in their eyes it kills me that I do not know how to do that.  I get so frustrated because I love my kids but I cannot seem to get out of this hole I am in.  I want to be happy and I want to be what I consider "normal" but how do you ever come out of something like that and be "normal"?